67: Sadist in me...

I have a part of me.. which is sadist... truly... and I see it surfacing each time I walk back from my bus stop to home...

How does it feel.....when you are walking on road... and you just happen to look at a rickshaw...and then the rickshaw driver gives you a curious look and you just plain stare for a second...he stops the rickshaw... and you walk past him... lolzzz... Utter bliss..!!!!

For all those rickshaw fellows who charge me 150 for a ride that costs 60 max... they deserve this...!!!  woohhoo.. :)

66: Getting on with life...

Where new city means freedom, free will and experimenting it also means tension, concern for folks back home and helplessness at not being able to be with the family when it needs you the most….
New city offers its own challenges…!! There is challenge to find a house … challenge to reach home back in time… challenge to keep oneself safe, challenge to adjust to newer surroundings… challenge to adapt to new work… challenge to excel at workplace in less span of time… challenge to prove yourself …. And moreover challenge to stand by your own decision and prove that it was a right one when taken..!!!
There are moments when I feel, that probably I rushed into it… probably I was not cut out for this… probably I would be have been better off at my home… and then, there are changes which are lined up in coming months that tempt me to stick by what I have done… there are things which are looking on the brighter side after a long time and instead of getting overwhelmed by it, I feel the achievement as well deserved..!!!
There are moments when I feel weak, moments when I feel that I can’t take it anymore and then there is that one phone call which sets everything right…!!! Midst these feelings of being wrong and right….lies all my questions and probably all my answers too…!!!
There is one thing which is coming back to me on this note… and that is Paulo Coelho’s Alchemist…!!!  Everything is written… “Maktub…”!!! Waiting to read it… 

65: Off to new shores...

One decision…and the life changed manifolds…!! I know big statement to make…but it (read life) literally changed… and it brought me almost 800 kms south of my beloved Mumbai to a hill station of 80s and corporate hub of 21^st century called Bangalore…!!!

Bangalore has always been a hill station of yester years… and hence obviously it offers a great climate to people especially who land in here from sultry and baking Mumbai…!! Honestly I loved it here…climate... south Indian food…and that’s about it …my like-list ends there..!!! It’s not like there is nothing more to Bangalore than that… but I am yet to explore that can be a better statement…!!!

I always thought … finding a place to stay in here won’t be difficult…but I was so wrong..!!! It’s not only difficult it’s horrible…and I am still without a house … its been exactly 7 days since I landed here… ideally 7 days of not having your own roof on your head… quite scary … but then I am blessed with good friends who have kind of accommodated me in their house and bearing up with me day in day out… because I am a little weird person to be with.. (Ask my mom… lolzz)…!!!

But Bangalore is weird too...

Weird 1:- if there is one thing that I have really learnt in last 7 days of my stay in Bangalore is … you can never win with rickskaw fellows… ideally one should never even try, because you object once in Hindi and they will give you 10 sentences in kannada and the kind of look you would on your face will say –“what crap???” (That’s a subtle stmt from my side…)!!  If they are not in mood to go by meter(which they are 97/100 times) then they are not so you better shut up and sit in that rick…or hang on him and go find other or forget rick altogether and find a bus or worst start walking…!!! For a journey that will cost you 18 rupees by bus… rick will cost 150 rupees, and at least 5-6 kannada statements…s o you better make your choice depending upon your considerations…I choose bus…(yeah I am cheap mumbaikar…18 rupees is all that I can afford…but I don’t mind free lifts .. lolz…).

Weird 2:- Water … if we talk of it, it is as hard as it can be… even before soap can feel itself getting transformed into lather it vanishes…whoosh..!!!

Weird 3:-Most houses here have a washing machine area….I am aware of living area, bed rooms… but washing machine areas??? Wow…I loved that concept…one more added point to my type of ideal home…!! So now you know why it’s difficult for a person like me to find a place to live… sigh….

Ok I know I am kind of cribbing here… about everything… but then am missing home … I guess I will need some time to settle down… and probably that will only happen once I have my roof on my head…hopefully soon… God please listen…!!!

AndBangalore, be kind to me… is all that I wanna say right now…. Amen…

64: A spark in dark...

Don't Judge me .............

...............if you haven't followed my journey............

63: Bloody Strangers...

Tide turned… days changed….Fist opened and I held nothing…

Twilight changed into night…. pitch dark outside…

I wait for a sign, for a ladder, for a route

But, the blood that flows through me… flows off…



True turned to false…right went wrong…

Known became unknown ….

Faces that I knew became faceless today…

And, the blood that flows through me… flows off…



How I wish my faces would have supported…

Would have understood… would have been there…

But instead they drifted … can’t say if they ever were there first place…

And this way the blood that flows through me… flowed off…



The flown blood seems happy now...

Listening to memoirs of broken me… it seems rejoiced…

Each time it boiled against me, a part of my existence died out…

Not a single drop of blood is left anymore;

I see only faces around…. Strangers!!

62: Power of Silence....

Power of silence is infinite....

It gives time to sort out things in your head before speaking…it gives time to cool off the brain… it gives time so as to avoid acting in haste…it gives time to also look at from other’s perspective…. We all are aware of this although we may only seldom implement it...!!!

I won’t say that silence to me is achieving all the above, but silence has given me something far more enriching and custodial which will be with me for the rest of me on this earth, and that something, is understanding of my own self…!!

In those moments of silence I have tuned into me, heard what I wanted, knew what is to be done next, treasured my experiences, adjusted to the environs, and moreover accepted and tolerated a whole bunch of variety called… people!!! Sometimes I succeeded, at other times I failed…but each time it gave a new dimension to what silence can do for me…!! Silence is not keeping quiet when you are supposed to speak… but it’s about keeping quiet when you are supposed to think, analyze and improvise…!!!

This to come off from someone who once said: - “Kill the Silence…” is something else really…!!!

Maybe it's all a part of- “Growing up…”!!!

Actually, am pleased with the thought of still growing up…!! To feel that “a kid in me has still not got over”, is not a bad feeling after all….

61: Change...

Change... 6 letters that make up such a powerful word!

Change is inevitable as I have been hearing all my life... but it would have been ideal if this change would have limited itself to only one area of my life at a time...!!!! It really doesn't ask me, whether I am ready yet?

Change... good or bad... big or small...is still a change.. and it is changing my life...!!!!

New life.. new city... new people...and the new circus begins...!!!

60: Tired....

To do what is right or to do what I feel is right? To do what is ideal or to do what my heart wants? Why every time there is something missing? Something not quite on same page with me...?
Tired... is too small a word...!!! 

59: Finding thy purpose...

Life, Experiences, Situations, People, Strangers, and everything else around teaches something profound and concrete … something that we take with us and go about doing our usual chores each day…

Many say we are here in this life with purpose and we need to find it someday… to truly understand what we are made for…!!! Still in real life can u name at least 10 people whom you know, who have found out what they are made out for?

More often than not, the ruggedness of life gets onto everyone … everyone has to go through the cycle of responsibilities, duties, sacrifices, adjustments, compromises in their life…no one is spared from that… only thing that differs is the amount in which each one does that.

Getting to know your own true self is something that not many can accomplish in one’s life...societal theories, peer pressures or religious dogma you can call it anything you want... are the forces which most certainly stops one from getting up close with one’s own self..!!! But then leaving behind these barriers and obstacles some does reach that point of pinnacle wherein the fear to face one’s self, its needs, its dreams and its wishes vanish...and ultimate bliss sets in...!!!

Putting up a mask and performing on the world stage to someone else’s tunes is by far something that we all do to some extent in our lives. Human mind and psyche is programmed to think about society, its norms, its cultures, and slowly this ability to think about society and the world at large sets in, in our day to day living too...!!  We can easily recollect incidents where in we have done something just for the heck of doing it...at least I can in all my sincerity and honesty can accept that yes I have done few(read many) things just because someone else was doing it, or it just looked cool to do it...!! But as they say life is the biggest teacher one can ever get in one’s life.... as we meet new people...see new places...get new experiences... we evolve... and slowly and steadily every individual ultimately carves out his/her own identity in this world!! A point reaches in one’s life wherein being compared to someone else just seems shallow...and individual goals and milestones is all that ultimately matters…

Is finding your own purpose any different???

58: The flowing dots...

Life never stops to surprise me... it almost always tells me, teaches me, makes me realise something, when I least expect it to...

Very recently I was being questioned by one of my close friend as to whether I believe in closures?

I would be lying if I would say I got it what she was hinting at... looking at my dumbfounded face she volunteered to explain...

‘Closures as in something that can mean completion of something... or getting done with something or someone... or it can merely mean that you have achieved what you wanted to and now you have moved on to better stuff in life....’

My expression hadn’t changed a bit... I was still dumbstruck with the thought –“did I not get her? Or I don’t have an answer???”

We left that conversation there... but the question never left my mind....

Then while reading my article for office magazine she said something which had never crossed my mind before....

"A small dot can stop a big sentence...but few more dots can give continuity... Closures are not for you...."

Hmmm.....